A. What I meant to say was something like …. I’m low maintenance; I can rough it. That the person who was inviting me to the woods to learn new stuff shouldn’t feel too worried about my tagging along; that I wouldn’t put ‘em out or be too needy. That I’d not be a pill. That I’d be there and grateful for the experience, and I’d go with the flow. I wouldn’t complain about stuff. I wouldn’t need to fix my hair.

(I strategically bank and spend my annoyance points on asking questions. I have A LOT. ALL THE TIME.)

B. What came out of me in the moment: “I have insulated overalls and I CAN PEE IN THE WOODS!”

🥴

This is the crux of a previously unknown language deficit and the source of infinite social faux pas. 

Unless the receiver of the message implies on my behalf all of what I did not say; words I was only able to access AFTER the fact, (exhibit A) then WHO KNOWS how my message (exhibit B) was actually received!  

So that, in a nutshell, is what Jen taught me.  That there’s 2 parts – the intended message and the received message – and even if the terms seem objective they are NOT OBJECTIVE!  And the implications are vast and not what I thought. But I mainly cannot leave certain things open for interpretation. 

When 2 parts of the message are out of alignment, it results in a social faux pas. 

39 years of curiosity and failures answered this year.  And the solution is getting upstream and outsourcing the judgement, I found out. Now I’m running my critical messages through our metaphorical Code Brown policy – yes I’m sure that’s inappropriate too – but as of now I have no better way of asking for the help I need. 

As I said when I moved to bring this medical term to my board, the code brown means there’s been a shit or there is a shit somewhere; that it’s better to call it on the sniff than to wait for it to produce and then pay the consequences (write an apology. )

Unfortunately I am often the producer of the code Browns that I am having them screen for, and that’s why we get the team to do a first sniff.  I get the feeling they’re not going to be asking me for these services, however the day they need a solid metaphor, I’ll be there for them. I’ll have one special. 

I don’t want to be the code brown for always. 

Thank you Jen Petitt for helping me get untrapped.  And to both Jean and Jen – the kindest allies  – thanks for keeping it real and standing in my corner and helping me understand the world a little better; for lending your perspective and your judgement where I can’t see. 

** Jen did not filter this writing and therefore it has not been screened for judgment or faux pas. But I am guessing the code brown thing could cause one because it’s about poop and if so – I did not intend to be irreverent. It’s called echolalia — I’m borrowing someone else’s language until I have better words, my own words, less offensive words to form the concept.*